coffee

To Whom It May Concern,

Really? You took the last cup of coffee and didn’t make a new pot?

What kind of monster are you? Seriously, have you no decency? Did you not learn any manners? I am appalled by your rude, inconsiderate behavior. It is truly detestable. How have you survived this long?

Did you not have a mother? Or father? Were you not breast-fed as a child? Were you raised by a pack of rabid wolves? No, that’s an insult to wolves. You were probably raised by nobody. Charles Manson could have raised a better human.

Are you a descendant of Adolf Hitler? Mussolini? Stalin? Do you have any relation to Jeffrey Dahmer, Ed Gein, or Jim Jones? Not even the Koch Brothers, Scott Walker, or that turtle faced senator from Kentucky are as evil and diabolical as you.

If Satan came back, he would choose your body over the serpent’s. Pope Francis would be unable to exorcise the demons out of you. Joel Osteen and the millions of dollars he’s swindled from the congregants of Lakewood “Church” could not save your soul.

You are beyond salvation. Have you ever read the book of Revelation? You know the lake of fire John warns the 7 churches of Asia about? If that place actually exists, that’s where you are going.

You are so obscene that Donald Trump would fire you before he hired you, and I would support his decision.

Sincerely,

________________

P.S.

I didn’t sign this letter because, like most Minnesotans, I’m passive aggressive. That’s what “Minnesota Nice” means. Not that we’re actually nice, but that we don’t like direct conflict so we tip toe around confronting people about important issues that are bothering us. This strategy, ironically, leads to a worse relationship with the person with whom we have a problem.

ragweed

It’s such a nice day
I think I’ll go for a walk
Achoo!  Never mind.

Watery eyes suck
An itchy throat also sucks
Sneezing really sucks

Clear nasal discharge
Never ending congestion
Help! I cannot breathe

Zyrtec does not work
Claritin works well sometimes
Flonase is awesome

“Hey man, are you stoned?”
“No, it’s just my allergies
That make my eyes red.”

If you’re a fellow Minnesotan, or if you know a Minnesotan, then you know how big of a deal the State Fair is. This is the event of the summer. Where else in the world can you ride rides that can be assembled in less than a day? Where else in the world can you see a 300 pound man who thinks it’s appropriate to wear a small white tank top, camouflage cargo shorts, crocs with socks, and a blatantly racist confederate flag hat*. And most importantly, where else in the world can you throw your healthy eating habits away and enjoy gluttony for a day?

Every year at the State Fair Minnesotans line up for horrific monstrosities that pass as food. Here are a few of the new foods to look for.

Calhoun’s Loon Wings
John Calhoun, Minnesota’s favorite pro-slavery senator, has risen from the grave and is now a carnival cook. The wings of the glorious Minnesota state bird are heavily breaded, seasoned with salt and pepper, and deep-fried. Served with spicy dipping sauce (ketchup).

Moose Knuckles
Two walnuts covered in maple caramel stolen from Canada, then topped with a sprinkle of sea salt…because that’s popular now. The sweet, salty, succulent nuts are then wrapped tightly in a cloth and served to nut lovers.

Furious Gopher Tails
The tail of Minnesota’s favorite rodent is stuck on a stick, dipped in Surly Furious beer batter, and deep fried. Like most beer batters, the beer adds little to no extra flavor, but it lets the owners increase the price by $3 per tail.

Chocolate Mosquito Bark
Ever wonder what happens to mosquitoes after you slap them? It turns out Abdallah Chocolate in Burnsville has been stockpiling them for decades. They fry the mosquito carcasses and cover them with chocolate. Now you can eat the hearts of your enemies. Zika vaccine not included.

Your Friend’s Mom’s Bars
You know your friend’s mom? The one who is always baking bars. Well, she has a stand and she’s giving away free bars. Of course they’re not actually free. Upon receipt of the bars you are required to stay and chat while she completely ignores your constant attempts to end the conversation. Visit at your own risk.

Twins Licorice
Extra-bitter black licorice served with a Minnesota Twins ticket. When you take a bite of the worst flavor in the world and say to yourself, “this is disgusting, my life can’t get worse than this,” look in your hand and realize you have a ticket to a Minnesota Twins game.

*Okay, maybe you can see this in Georgia.

I recently purchased a road bike and have been having fun riding it around Minneapolis. I’ve been riding for two weeks, which is enough to qualify me as an expert. I am obligated by my expertise and deep joy of helping others to share the following tips with you.

Buy the most expensive gear
It is physically impossible to ride a bicycle if it is not at least $3,000. If you buy a bike less than that, you are wasting your money. Your helmet should be a minimum of $100 (preferably $150+), your jersey should be no less than $70, and your shorts should start at $200. This may sound like a large investment, but every dollar spent will make you a faster rider.

Wear a jersey
It is essential to wear a cycling jersey while riding your new bicycle, the more ridiculous and flamboyant the colors the better. Don’t buy green, buy Atomic Green. Don’t buy red, buy Mt. Vesuvius Lava Red. Make sure your jersey is a size too small so it fits tight around your body so you are more aerodynamic while training for Le Tour de France. If at all possible purchase a jersey with a local microbrewery logo on it, this tells the world that you enjoy a good party and also support local businesses.

Use Strava
Download the run/bicycle app Strava so you can track your rides. By using this app you will feel confident that you are bragging about the correct number of miles you rode (see tip about bragging). Also, you will feel good about yourself when complete strangers follow your progress and encourage you to keep up your riding. And there’s the added bonus of showing the world your usual cycling routes so thieves will know when you will be away from your home.

Brag about your accomplishments
What good is averaging 20 mph on your rides if you don’t post it on social media? After a particularly difficult ride, immediately post a picture of you drenched in sweat to show the world how awesome you are. If you take a break midway through your ride, update your status to let your friends know you are better than they are.

Get sickly thin
Find your ideal weight according to the obsolete BMI chart. This weight is already dangerously small, but it is not small enough for your ideal cycling weight. If you are a female subtract 30 pounds from your BMI weight, and if you are a male subtract 50 pounds from your BMI weight. If you are at your ideal cycling weight, congratulations, you are a walking skin covered skeleton. If you are not at your ideal cycling weight STOP EATING IMMEDIATELY. Do not consume any calories until you weigh in at your magic number. Continue to ride hard so you can make your goal sooner.

Don’t obey traffic laws
If you ride your bike on city streets you have permission to run stop signs and red lights. You can also make erratic moves and cut off cars when ever you please. There may be a designated bicycle lane, but that doesn’t mean you have to use it. Ride in whatever lane you want. When drivers honk at you flip them your middle finger and continue riding, they deserve it.

brettfavre

The following text was uncovered by the Kremlin while hacking American computers upon the request of American Führer hopeful Donald Trump. It appears to be a rough draft of former NFL quarterback Brett Favre’s Hall of Fame acceptance speech.

Did I know I was going to go at the end of the second round to the Atlanta Falcons?
No.

Am I glad they drafted me?
Yes.

Am I still in contact with former Atlanta head coach Jerry Glanville?
Absolutely not.

Am I grateful to the Packers for trading for me?
Yes.

Did I intentionally complete my first NFL pass to myself?
Maybe.

Am I proud of my three MVP awards?
Yes.

Am I proud of developing an addiction to Vicodin?
No.

Am I happy I only won one Super Bowl?
Kind of.

Am I proud of passing John Elway in wins and Dan Marino in touchdown passes?
Yes.

Was I fully committed to retirement in 2008?
No.

Am I proud of sexually harassing Jen Sterger?
No.

Was I happy when I signed with the Minnesota Vikings?
Yes.

Am I happy I’m the only player to have defeated every NFL team?
Of course.

Am I proud the picture of my penis went viral on the internet?
Perhaps.