If you’re a fellow Minnesotan, or if you know a Minnesotan, then you know how big of a deal the State Fair is. This is the event of the summer. Where else in the world can you ride rides that can be assembled in less than a day? Where else in the world can you see a 300 pound man who thinks it’s appropriate to wear a small white tank top, camouflage cargo shorts, crocs with socks, and a blatantly racist confederate flag hat*. And most importantly, where else in the world can you throw your healthy eating habits away and enjoy gluttony for a day?
Every year at the State Fair Minnesotans line up for horrific monstrosities that pass as food. Here are a few of the new foods to look for.
Calhoun’s Loon Wings
John Calhoun, Minnesota’s favorite pro-slavery senator, has risen from the grave and is now a carnival cook. The wings of the glorious Minnesota state bird are heavily breaded, seasoned with salt and pepper, and deep-fried. Served with spicy dipping sauce (ketchup).
Two walnuts covered in maple caramel stolen from Canada, then topped with a sprinkle of sea salt…because that’s popular now. The sweet, salty, succulent nuts are then wrapped tightly in a cloth and served to nut lovers.
Furious Gopher Tails
The tail of Minnesota’s favorite rodent is stuck on a stick, dipped in Surly Furious beer batter, and deep fried. Like most beer batters, the beer adds little to no extra flavor, but it lets the owners increase the price by $3 per tail.
Chocolate Mosquito Bark
Ever wonder what happens to mosquitoes after you slap them? It turns out Abdallah Chocolate in Burnsville has been stockpiling them for decades. They fry the mosquito carcasses and cover them with chocolate. Now you can eat the hearts of your enemies. Zika vaccine not included.
Your Friend’s Mom’s Bars
You know your friend’s mom? The one who is always baking bars. Well, she has a stand and she’s giving away free bars. Of course they’re not actually free. Upon receipt of the bars you are required to stay and chat while she completely ignores your constant attempts to end the conversation. Visit at your own risk.
Extra-bitter black licorice served with a Minnesota Twins ticket. When you take a bite of the worst flavor in the world and say to yourself, “this is disgusting, my life can’t get worse than this,” look in your hand and realize you have a ticket to a Minnesota Twins game.
*Okay, maybe you can see this in Georgia.